Thursday, October 8, 2009

Mitch vs. The Baby Store

It's been busy times for me and the blogging has suffered from front office budget cuts and children being born. However, sometimes your just overwhelmed with such epic stupidity that you are inspired to write. I guess that today was one of those days.

As I am running an errands tonight, I was assigned by the wife to stop by Babies R Us out in the suburbs. I don't do a lot of this shopping for the baby as my wife is more into shopping in the sea of pink baby clothes, or shopping at all for that matter. As I walk into the store the overwhelming smell of plastic and baby oil might make you wonder if your in a strip club but you quickly realize it's not as the whimsical tune of crying toddlers and lullabies right the ship. All was going smoothly for me on the routine diaper run until I reached the checkout.

The woman who was helping me started by asking me in baby talk, "awww, how old is the baby?"
I cheerfully responded, 7 months," but wanted to just say the diapers were for me when I drink too much and wet the bed.

Her response: "She's barely a baby anymore, she'll have a birthday soon."

Is it cute that I have a 7 month old or cute that I am buying a 768 pack of diapers, for about a weeks pay, that will end up living on for 7 thousand years in a landfill? She is actually certainly still a baby you weird basic analysis of this is based on the following criteria: She can't walk, she can't talk, she eats blended up food and drinks from a bottle and she soils herself multiple times a day. As for the birthday comment......her birthday is 5 months away, not exactly time to send out invitations but I appreciate the enthusiasm, I guess.

As I fumble for the credit card to expedite this cumbersomely awkward and forced social situation she asks me, "Do you have a coat for her, it's going to be cold this weekend?"

I'm not sure what I even said to this as I was just thinking to myself...filter, filter, filter. What was screaming through my head was to say A) stop talking to me like I am a baby.....the baby isn't even with me 2) No, we don't have a coat for her, we don't even dress her, she sits naked in the house and sleeps outside on a leash........I certainly don't claim to be the expert rookie parent but I do have enough common sense to put a coat on a miniature human should it be cold out.

As I waited impatiently for the credit card to process she offered, unprompted, to me that "she was thinking about taking her child to the punkin patch this weekend." What the hell is a punkin? Do I look like I care? Why are you talking to me? I wanted to say, "make sure you wear a coat," but I used self control and took my super mega pack of diapers and got the hell out of there.


Katt Maiser said...

Ahh, the joys of fatherhood. Wait until the checkout transaction gets compounded by grabby little hands and whining. You'll really be tested then.

The McChungs said...

OMG Mitch...almost peed my pants reading this one! Maybe I need the diapers :) We'll make sure that Addy has a coat too...

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