Monday, December 29, 2008

The Holiday Season!

You never know what is going to happen when family gets together over the holidays. Wine, cards, 2am, inlaws......I think the photo says the rest.
I still don't know how Ryan got the deer to go up into my bedroom, but somewhere in the night I believe I was duped into a sour bet at the card table that ended with me sleeping with a nice buck. He was really friendly and the denim quilt on the bed was highly abrasion resistant to the deer's antlers. Unfortunately after what I felt was a lovely evening, the deer was gone when I woke up. I was really hoping for him to stay for waffles in the morning. Those Iowa deer are really friendly when your not hitting them with your car or hunting them with predatory rage. Maybe next year I can get a doe in the sack! Happy Holidays.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

The Agony of Defeat and the Joy of Breastfeeding

Breastfeeding class. More boobs than sniffers row at happy hour. The 2.5 hour class was approximately 10,500 heartbeats that I donated to father time (assuming 70 bpm over that time). While filled with lots of great information, I was disappointed at the end to be shown a video about how the baby naturally goes to the breast and feeds on it's own as an instinctual reaction they have in them. So......2.5 hour class could have been reduced to: A) have child B) wipe goo off child C) place child on your bare chest D) go home. After all, do we take classes on how to breathe? No, because we do it instinctually, I even googled it and found no classes.

Some highlights of the class for me, with my thoughts out loud for your enjoyment:
  • 7 minute video with 26 hooter shots....I don't know if pay per view would have that kind of action, but yes, I did tally them during the film when I should have been paying close attention to other information.
  • An advertisement for a breastpump with a lady with a pump on each boob, blouse open working on here computer at work.......does this really happen, because it seems a little over the top for me.
  • Props that included a stuffed baby with its tongue out and a stuffed boob so we could see what's happening...........I laughed out loud at this thinking if you could ever get a stuffed boob out of one of those claw machines at the arcade?
  • Fact of the day: A babys stomach is the size of a marble when born and the size of a ping pong ball on day 10. Our stomach is the size of a softball.......there is no way my lunch would fit into a softball.
  • If you need to relieve some of the pressure for your breast milk you can place a disposable diaper, moistened and warmed in the microwave on each breast and sit back and about a hot sure the diapers are new and moistened only with water......I am thinking about soothing myself by placing my underwear in the oven and soothing the areas that ail me like ankles, knees, head
  • Women can tell by feel which breast is most full. The concept here did not freak me out, but the Sunday school teacher (who is about 60) giving us the visual was too much for me.
Breast milk has many other uses, it's a freaking miracle! Please consider these handy uses for the milk you produce or possibly even bottle some up and give it as a holiday cure-all gift it makes a great stocking stuffer in these tough economic times. I promise I am not making this up!
  • Cure for ear and eye infections: Simply squirt or pour into orifice.
  • Cure for bug bites and sunburn: Apply to skin and rub in for relief. Won't this be handy at the lake this summer? "Wife, I just got stung by a bee, can you come over here?"
  • Immunity boost: Give your child or spouse a shot if they are sick. Bottoms up!
  • Rub on sore or cracked nipples: Great for marathon runners in your life, at mile 20, just find a prego lady.
  • Acne and warts: I am sure the teenagers love that when mom offers.
  • Sore throats: Just gargle a little breastmilk.
I will be heading home to clear out the medicine cabiniet as I need no other medications. If any of you need any miracle cures, just stop over come February and I will see if I can hook you up.

In other news of the week. The Panthers were defeated in the semi-finals of the FCS playoffs. An absolutely devastating loss for me. The photo below was the last happy moment. Pain, bitterness, anger, devastation would be great adjectives to describe the menal state I was/am in. Entering the fourth quarter with a 13 point lead (bad number for football) and losing with 14 seconds left hurts bad. I would much rather have lost by 40. Instead the energy and excitement was so high you could taste the win. I compare the feeling with seeing your wife for the first time in 5 years and when you go to hug her she kicks you in the balls with a pair of steel toe boots. Ouch. As a result I have put together a tentative plan for the first week topics for practice in the spring of 2009:
  • Day 1: "You can't win a football game with your thumb up your ass, or your hands around your neck." A look at the anatomy of choking.
  • Day 2: "Open tryouts for kicker." All students invited.
  • Day 3: "Math 101: 4 quarters to a football game, not 3." Abacuses will be provided by the University Book Store
  • Day 4: "Why selling pot will not work out for the greater good of the team." A micro-economic look at the risk/benefit model.
  • Day 5: "How pissing down your leg feels good, but does not win championships." A refresher course from last years seminar.
I still bleed purple and always will. I am just in the process of passing a purple an gold kidney stone right now. Go Panthers.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Snow, Tailgates and Panthers

It was cold windy day on the plains of Northern Iowa on Saturday. Windchill in the single digits and beer freezing as you drank it (unless you were quick). A crew of 5 dedicated fans from Texas, Minnesota and Iowa bundled up in a stubborn act of support for the Northern Iowa football team. After enduring 4 hours of cold relentless tailgating, wind and adult beverages, the ritual paid off as the mighty panthers beat New Hampshire in a wild game to advance to the FCS college football semifinals. This means we will do it all again at the UNI Dome next weekend. You can tune in on ESPN at 3pm central.

Today we had snow in Minnesota. Good for the Nordic skiing prospects, bad for the afternoon commute. After a 10 mile, 70 minute commute (that normally takes 20 minutes) there was no doubt the inside of the car was not fit for a child's ears. At one point in the drive I passed a car going down a huge hill as the anti-lock brakes were trying to slow me down. Hindsight tells me I should not have gone down this hill, but the dude I was sliding past (on a residential road) had to think I was totally nuts. I believe the comment from Brandi halfway down the hill was "I am just going to close my eyes." This "scenic route" home allowed us only minutes to let the dog out and cram some food down before moving on to the childbirth class.....week 5. For those of you counting at home, that means we are done next week (I am counting). After some learning about forceps, nipple stimulation and how they sew shut a uterus after a Cesarean section while it sits on your lap, we were done with the evening.

All the snow and birth talk made me want to ski. I headed out to the local high school grounds for a quick lap at about 9:30pm for some fresh tracks and exercise. It's still snowing as I write this at 11pm which makes me really excited for the drive in to work tomorrow morning. If you smell the sarcasm in that, you have a good nose. Go Panthers.