Monday, March 31, 2008


The beauty of spring. Green grass, blue skies, sunshine All of these are wonderful and refreshing after a loooong winter. Then, just as you are about to button up a Hawaiian shirt and sip that first Corona on the deck, you remember that you live in Minnesota. On this glorious last day of March we all received a swift kick in the stomach from Mother Nature in the form of a snow storm. As I write this it's still dumping snow and there is already 7 inches on the ground!!

When times are rough, you have to keep the PMA: Positive Mental Attitude. So I went out in the yard for some early season golf. It didn't go all that well. I lost a lot of balls in the snow, my glove left one hand terribly cold, and the greens were insanely slow. Not to mention that the giant boot that is still attached to my right foot has no cleats in it and my bare toes were chilly after the first couple of holes. To continue the defiance I put on a speedo and decided to blog while listening to Jimmy Buffet tunes. Lucky for all of you there were no photos taken of that. It's called cabin fever, but when there is a half a foot of snow on the ground in April, it changes to cabin plague.

While the snow is crappy, the beach is not always perfect. Thanks to my friend Pat, I got this article about A)why wearing a speedo can be good, B)why the beach can be bad and C)why naked Europeans scare the bejeezus out of me.Hmmmmmmm....................a few observations in reflection of the adventures of our now favorite Croatian: 1) Exactly how f@$#ing cold is that water that your balls get so cold that they fit through the slats in a beach chair? Maybe the term "cool sea" was a bit of an understatement. C) How many times did the staff play paper/rock/scissors to have to go cut the old naked dude out of the chair? 4) Which is worse: Trying to walk to get your phone with your jewels dragging a beach chair.....OR Having the beach maintenance boy show up with the DeWalt sawzall to tell you to "relax" as he demos the chair.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

March Maddnes and Flattullence

What is it about this topic that just never gets old. Farting. You love it, it makes you laugh, and if you could, you would laugh and celebrate the joyous feeling you get turning one loose into the world. There are some classic and timeless terms in this video that we all should re-insert into the vocab: "pinching a loaf" and "dropping the kids off at the pool."

In other news, March Madness is upon us. Fill out your brackets and prepare the office for the ever popular under the table gambling at the workplace! I think it's important to remember just what March Madness is all about, because it's much, much more than college basketball. It's also about hockey. For some excellent info on how great hockey is, please visit the recent posts on the Monteith blog posted in the sidebar to the right.

This weekend is the WCHA college hockey tournament featuring your own Minnesota Gophers taking on St. Cloud State on Thursday at 7pm. We also have a heated race for the Minnesota Wild going on featuring games at San Jose, Vancouver and Calgary.

Back to basketball.....I have included a new poll for March Madness. Place your vote today!!

Saturday, March 8, 2008

Tales of Peril and Torture

It was great to get back to work this week, but sitting trapped at my desk did bring about several problems.
  • In most cases, having a bouldering wall in my office is a pretty sweet setup. However, when one is rendered lame for several months, watching others climb all day isn't all it's cracked up to be. I find myself daydreaming and debating with myself the potentially positive climbing merit the boot could have. The answer is none. Heavy, rigid and over the calf actually have nothing in common with climbing shoes. I guess the only thing it has in common with climbing shoes is that is smells.
  • Retrieving coffee in the morning is basically impossible. I did contemplate attempting this magic trick, but decided otherwise. It set up like this in my small little mind: As I perilously crutched across the ice and snow covered campus tundra with a Starbucks cup latched between my legs thoughts of my office chair finish line are perched in my head. Then, unexpectedly, time slows and all hell breaks loose. The tenuous purchase of the crutches give way on the verglas ice beneath them and the battle of man vs. gravity begins. As I slowly fall, the plastic lid disengages from the steadfast cardboard lip of the cup and the liquid magma known as a grande cafe Estima dark roast spews from the confines of the crotch held coffee cup. As I crash to the ground making a sound similar to Will Ferrell on tranquilizers in 'Old School,' I lay helpless on the frozen, coffee saturated tundra around me. Then, as I attempt to rise from the mangled pile of java and ice, I realize my coffee has frozen and I am now trapped, frozen solid, and left for dead on the campus of the University of Minnesota. As I come to terms with my death and delirium sets in, I see in the distance, a polar bear approaching to enjoy a meal by slowly picking my cold, dying and caffeinated flesh from my half dead body as he dines on the herds weakest member. So, as a result, I decided to just stay at my desk and pass on coffee for the day.
  • Eating lunch: My wife so kindly packed a nice lunch of leftover stir fry for me to have at work. As my stomach began to growl, I decide to eat. I then realize I have no means of getting to the microwave on the other side of the building while carrying my food. So, now that I have had no coffee and it looks like lunch is probably getting cut, I begin to sob at my desk as I fear I will perish here inept, forgotten and starving.....maybe like this guy.
What we can all learn from these woeful tales is that each day in our daily lives we must constantly analyze out limitations and consider the impossible possibilities. Life is much better lived in a predictable, risk free and controlled manner. As a result, I am considering giving up my passion for climbing, wakeboarding, skiing, and of course, racquetball, to join the professional miniature golf tour and the international society of mall walkers. Currently these are hopes and dreams for me once I can walk again. Anything is possible if you put you mind to it. Click on the image below for my inspiration. I couldn't embed this video, so you will have to go to the blog and scroll down to the Mall Walkers post. It's great.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Recovery: 2 Week Check Up

Today I got to visit the doc again and the news was much more exciting than last week. Last week, I basically got a little iodine rubbed on a giant cut and then the doctor said, "looks good." The withered and mangled foot was then promptly re-mummified with gauze and bandages and shoved back into the foul smelling, heavy and cumbersome boot I have come to love and cherish.

At this weeks appointment there was news, big news like the ongoing saga of Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo. Although I find this to be nothing more than a ploy by Jerry Jones to use sex to try to re-sell America on the fact that The Cowboys are "America's Team." Why? Well, in Texas logic, they have a star on their helmet, and there is a star on the American flag. Good theory, but we all know Texans don't acknowledge the rest of the country, hence they celebrate Texas Independence Day in an effort to get an extra day off of work and also show they lack of unity with the other 49 states. If only Texas were in a position to break off into the ocean you would find the me down there with a pocketknife frantically stabbing the earth to hasten the process of detachment.

Back to the topic at hand. I can now remove my foot from it's entombment of the boot periodically to gently move it about. A small step, but oh so liberating. What is left of my leg, basically a bone with some skin and calf muscle remnants dangling from it, might make me want to leave the boot on. I can also now put 25% of my weight on it as well, however I am having trouble with the math and keep spraining my ankle trying to balance on a postage scale for accuracy.

In addition to this I have been cleared for washing. This is great news as the other day, as my loving spouse chauffeured me about, the vehicle promptly filled with an odor somewhere between butt crack at the state fair and a dead corpse in the trunk. Through some high level deductive reasoning skills I determined that it would be best for our health, and to get Brandi to stop gagging, if we did not have the heater blowing on my feet emanating foulness throughout the car.

I will start some form of physical therapy next week, all of which is forward progress and hopefully the golf course and climbing wall will be here before I know it. I thought of including a picture of me lounging in the bath, as this was a big highlight, but went with the scar photo instead.

Speaking of the Scar: There is a new Poll! Rock the vote!
Peace out, M-Dizzle

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Back to Work

After two weeks at home, and near insanity (the podcasts speak for themselves), I returned to work on Monday. The good news is that I love my work and I would much rather be there than not. The bad news is that podcasting is a time consuming activity that will not be as frequent.

I do hope that the Adventures of Mitch Podcast will not die. With some help from fans and friends I am confident that there is some good material out there to put on the airwaves. I know there is some poetry out there waiting to be broadcast, and some philanthropic partners that have been left out. After all, with only one leg, my weekends are still pretty wide open. I am hoping to also get some musical guests and phone interviews in the near future as this has been a busy week of news.

On a more serious note, thanks so much to all of my friends that stopped by, questioned my insanity, and pried the painkillers from my cold intoxicated hands over the past few weeks. I am off the pain meds, with out getting all Brett Favre, and very motivated to get healthy so I can go outside and play with all of you again soon. It certainly sucks to be injured, but is awesome to have good friends and family that do whatever they can to make it better.