Monday, July 13, 2009

A Big Day at the News Desk

It has been a long time since I have blogged two days in a row, but today there was so much irrelevant breaking news that I just had to dump some of the garbage out of my already small, but full, brain into the vomit receptacle that often is my blog. As is the norm, I have done my best to excessively paraphrase and simplify all of these news stories to better serve the genera needs of the Adventures of Mitch Nation.

Cats Do Control Humans (click for link to story)
If the cat is controlling me, then why does it tell me to throw shoes at it or fling it by the tail into a passing lane of the interstate? I am not a cat person. God didn't want me to be a cat person so he makes my eyes itch when I am around them. This scholarly study further extrapolates that dog people are obviously wiser than cat people as dog people can't be controlled by animals. My less than scientific proof would be that there are a lot people who are pretty normal with 2-3 dogs. However, the people that own 3-700 cats always seem to live in a creepy old house, are single women and go to the grocery store in a prom gown and tiara because they don't get out of the house much and have never been on date. They may also be guys who walk their cats in harnesses to pick up chicks at the local park. There may be a few assumptions here, but my study is working it's way towards being airtight once I run the numbers a few more times.

Holy Shit! Cussing is Good for You!!! (click for link to story)
This is actually news worthy because if reading my blog causes you pain, you can cuss out loud while you read it. I think what's important in this article is that I would like to define pain as anything you dislike physically or emotionally. If we can include this definition of pain in the study we can basically cuss freely about anything (in case you don't already). I can't even imagine the study playing out with college students dipping their hand in ice cold water while repeating a cuss word of their choosing. If they were drinking and passed out they would have pissed their pants as well which would really give them a reason to cuss. This study was done in England so were they really sober when they did this and then accidentally got the study into the NeuroReport Journal? I really like the control in the study where they put their hand in the ice water and repeated a word they use to describe a table. Huh? Pretty much seals the deal on the fact they were drinking when they came up with this study. I guess in the end I would be happy to cuss with my hand in ice water instead of being a part of the totally irrelevant picture attached to the article of a guy getting pepper spray in his eyes. Who's the moron that chose pepper spray over ice water? I'd like to see the second part where you get pepper spray in the eyes and then respond by saying a word you use to describe a table.

I will preface this third bombshell story by saying that I don't frequent If I did all of my BFFs would be saying WTF? I was sent here from my yahoo homepage which while I thought was password protected, has clearly been hacked by a 14 year old with a pink cel phone covered in rhinestones, carrying a lame designer purse and who probably owns a dog I could dropkick as far as I can hit a pitching wedge. So, I didn't go to this story because I care about Jessica Simpson, or for that matter Tony Romo, (I do relish his mediocrity and failures on the football field. For those Cowboy fans that are now enraged, please Google: Seattle Seahawks wildcard game 2007) but because someone who is 29 is having a Ken and Barbie birthday party. Really? Didn't we just bury the musician/freak that acted like a small child when he was actually a grown adult? Hopefully Jessica doesn't cut off her nose, or anything else, and try to change here skin color. While the Ken and Barbie party was ruined, and I am sobbing Jessica Simpson made it all better with her worldly quote in the article that makes me want to be in a bubble bath, with a puppy, frolicking in a sunny green field of flowers. Puke.

"Everyone needs to know that hope floats...grab the strings and pull it back to you... Falling asleep with my mom and the dogs. Please, Lord, give all of my beautiful fans, friends, enemies, and family rest. Bring all of us peace."

We now at least know that she isn't paying anyone to write her press releases. You can read the article below.........and don't forget to bookmark in the process. I have to go now, because Entertainment Tonight is on and there are probably more developments in this massively totally, like, crazy story. I just hope I can sleep tonight.

If this article hasn't put you to sleep you can always tune into the live TV coverage of the confirmation process of Justice Sotomayor which is about as exciting as the confirmation process of your 13 year old, third cousin.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Tough Economic Times

We all have been overloaded with talk of the difficult economy, lack of employment and other dark clouds of despair looming over us as if someday soon the entire world is going to burst into flames and end the human race.

As I was driving home from work the other day we were zig zagging our way through some marginal neighborhoods near out house. (I don't want to name any names for the population I discuss but it rhymes with bright flash) This is an interesting part of town comprised of the same people you see at the Wal-Mart slapping their kids and writing a check for a case of mountain dew and some Doritos. As we drove by a corner there was a kid on the corner with a sign that said "Cold Drinks 50 Cents." This used to be commonplace, in a world where we used to not be so worried about kidnapping and Michael Jackson's, that we all were little entrepreneurs sitting on the corner with our friends selling lemonade so we could make a little coin without violating child labor laws. This particular corner stand was a little different because my wife and I noticed that the kid sitting next to the cooler in a straggly lawn chair was about 17 years old. REALLY? This kid isnt' going to get the sympathy stop because he is a cute little kid, but maybe you could score a cigarrette to go with your beverage. What kid this age sells "cold drinks" for fifty cents in the front yard. I thought about stopping because I thought he might have stolen all of his dad's beer out the fridge and was selling it in the yard for the passers by during rush hour. After all, fifty cents a beer is a darn good deal. I can't imagine that dad will be too happy when he finds out his son is selling his beer in the yard, but who knows, if it puts food on the table in these tough economic times I guess it has served it's purpose. I also like how we no longer make lemonade to sell to folks so they get the homemade lemonade effect, this guy settles for tossing a few leftover beverages in the cooler, a little ice and head out the the yard. Cutting corners; the real American way. I will note that there was not a line at the stand to purchase his goods, nor did I become a customer.