Saturday, March 8, 2008

Tales of Peril and Torture

It was great to get back to work this week, but sitting trapped at my desk did bring about several problems.
  • In most cases, having a bouldering wall in my office is a pretty sweet setup. However, when one is rendered lame for several months, watching others climb all day isn't all it's cracked up to be. I find myself daydreaming and debating with myself the potentially positive climbing merit the boot could have. The answer is none. Heavy, rigid and over the calf actually have nothing in common with climbing shoes. I guess the only thing it has in common with climbing shoes is that is smells.
  • Retrieving coffee in the morning is basically impossible. I did contemplate attempting this magic trick, but decided otherwise. It set up like this in my small little mind: As I perilously crutched across the ice and snow covered campus tundra with a Starbucks cup latched between my legs thoughts of my office chair finish line are perched in my head. Then, unexpectedly, time slows and all hell breaks loose. The tenuous purchase of the crutches give way on the verglas ice beneath them and the battle of man vs. gravity begins. As I slowly fall, the plastic lid disengages from the steadfast cardboard lip of the cup and the liquid magma known as a grande cafe Estima dark roast spews from the confines of the crotch held coffee cup. As I crash to the ground making a sound similar to Will Ferrell on tranquilizers in 'Old School,' I lay helpless on the frozen, coffee saturated tundra around me. Then, as I attempt to rise from the mangled pile of java and ice, I realize my coffee has frozen and I am now trapped, frozen solid, and left for dead on the campus of the University of Minnesota. As I come to terms with my death and delirium sets in, I see in the distance, a polar bear approaching to enjoy a meal by slowly picking my cold, dying and caffeinated flesh from my half dead body as he dines on the herds weakest member. So, as a result, I decided to just stay at my desk and pass on coffee for the day.
  • Eating lunch: My wife so kindly packed a nice lunch of leftover stir fry for me to have at work. As my stomach began to growl, I decide to eat. I then realize I have no means of getting to the microwave on the other side of the building while carrying my food. So, now that I have had no coffee and it looks like lunch is probably getting cut, I begin to sob at my desk as I fear I will perish here inept, forgotten and starving.....maybe like this guy.
What we can all learn from these woeful tales is that each day in our daily lives we must constantly analyze out limitations and consider the impossible possibilities. Life is much better lived in a predictable, risk free and controlled manner. As a result, I am considering giving up my passion for climbing, wakeboarding, skiing, and of course, racquetball, to join the professional miniature golf tour and the international society of mall walkers. Currently these are hopes and dreams for me once I can walk again. Anything is possible if you put you mind to it. Click on the image below for my inspiration. I couldn't embed this video, so you will have to go to the blog and scroll down to the Mall Walkers post. It's great.

3 comments:

dennis said...

I can relate to the coffee dilemma. I used to actually transport a mug full of coffee with crutches, with "some" success. I hold a steaming cup in my left hand, one crutch held normally in my right, and the other crutch pinched in my left armpit.

I pick up the left crutch with my arm/armpit, and I "swing" it one step, and then I walk very gingerly and slowly.

I usually spill a little bit, and I had coffee drip stains on my cast. And of course, I had to explain to the nurse today that it was just coffee stains, not something else. ;)

By the way, have you thought about www.iwalk-free.com or a knee cart?

Doc said...

Mitch ..

great site...you are very creative and definitely have too much time on your hands..As for racquetball I am so pissed off...was moving up in the Va state rankings and POP ..I'm done..
You seem to be very active like myself and I am sure that all your activity unfortunately contributed to the ATR...just looking at your site leads me to believe you are motivated to get back to where you were..
What do you teach at the university??

Doc Ross

Mitch Hoffman said...

Doc-
I teach climbing and racquetball for credit courses and my full time job is running the outdoor recreation non-credit trips clinics, climbing wall etc. We teach rock and ice climbing, kayaking, canoeing, backpacking etc. It's killing me to be trapped in the boot.