Tuesday, December 16, 2008

The Agony of Defeat and the Joy of Breastfeeding

Breastfeeding class. More boobs than sniffers row at happy hour. The 2.5 hour class was approximately 10,500 heartbeats that I donated to father time (assuming 70 bpm over that time). While filled with lots of great information, I was disappointed at the end to be shown a video about how the baby naturally goes to the breast and feeds on it's own as an instinctual reaction they have in them. So......2.5 hour class could have been reduced to: A) have child B) wipe goo off child C) place child on your bare chest D) go home. After all, do we take classes on how to breathe? No, because we do it instinctually, I even googled it and found no classes.

Some highlights of the class for me, with my thoughts out loud for your enjoyment:
  • 7 minute video with 26 hooter shots....I don't know if pay per view would have that kind of action, but yes, I did tally them during the film when I should have been paying close attention to other information.
  • An advertisement for a breastpump with a lady with a pump on each boob, blouse open working on here computer at work.......does this really happen, because it seems a little over the top for me.
  • Props that included a stuffed baby with its tongue out and a stuffed boob so we could see what's happening...........I laughed out loud at this thinking if you could ever get a stuffed boob out of one of those claw machines at the arcade?
  • Fact of the day: A babys stomach is the size of a marble when born and the size of a ping pong ball on day 10. Our stomach is the size of a softball.......there is no way my lunch would fit into a softball.
  • If you need to relieve some of the pressure for your breast milk you can place a disposable diaper, moistened and warmed in the microwave on each breast and sit back and relax.......talk about a hot visual.....be sure the diapers are new and moistened only with water......I am thinking about soothing myself by placing my underwear in the oven and soothing the areas that ail me like ankles, knees, head
  • Women can tell by feel which breast is most full. The concept here did not freak me out, but the Sunday school teacher (who is about 60) giving us the visual was too much for me.
Breast milk has many other uses, it's a freaking miracle! Please consider these handy uses for the milk you produce or possibly even bottle some up and give it as a holiday cure-all gift it makes a great stocking stuffer in these tough economic times. I promise I am not making this up!
  • Cure for ear and eye infections: Simply squirt or pour into orifice.
  • Cure for bug bites and sunburn: Apply to skin and rub in for relief. Won't this be handy at the lake this summer? "Wife, I just got stung by a bee, can you come over here?"
  • Immunity boost: Give your child or spouse a shot if they are sick. Bottoms up!
  • Rub on sore or cracked nipples: Great for marathon runners in your life, at mile 20, just find a prego lady.
  • Acne and warts: I am sure the teenagers love that when mom offers.
  • Sore throats: Just gargle a little breastmilk.
I will be heading home to clear out the medicine cabiniet as I need no other medications. If any of you need any miracle cures, just stop over come February and I will see if I can hook you up.

In other news of the week. The Panthers were defeated in the semi-finals of the FCS playoffs. An absolutely devastating loss for me. The photo below was the last happy moment. Pain, bitterness, anger, devastation would be great adjectives to describe the menal state I was/am in. Entering the fourth quarter with a 13 point lead (bad number for football) and losing with 14 seconds left hurts bad. I would much rather have lost by 40. Instead the energy and excitement was so high you could taste the win. I compare the feeling with seeing your wife for the first time in 5 years and when you go to hug her she kicks you in the balls with a pair of steel toe boots. Ouch. As a result I have put together a tentative plan for the first week topics for practice in the spring of 2009:
  • Day 1: "You can't win a football game with your thumb up your ass, or your hands around your neck." A look at the anatomy of choking.
  • Day 2: "Open tryouts for kicker." All students invited.
  • Day 3: "Math 101: 4 quarters to a football game, not 3." Abacuses will be provided by the University Book Store
  • Day 4: "Why selling pot will not work out for the greater good of the team." A micro-economic look at the risk/benefit model.
  • Day 5: "How pissing down your leg feels good, but does not win championships." A refresher course from last years seminar.
I still bleed purple and always will. I am just in the process of passing a purple an gold kidney stone right now. Go Panthers.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Mitch, your dialogue about breast feeding is one of the funniest things I've read - especially since I am going through it right now. Then the biggest downer - reading about the UNI loss. I watched the game with Trent and Renee and Trent said I can no longer root for UNI (every team I root for sucks this year). Good times, good times.