Friday, January 29, 2010

Inspired by Idiots

On my way home from work today I was checking out at the local West Saint Paul convenience store as I purchased some Red Bull to properly fuel my body to clean the house to my wife's specifications. In front of me at the check out was a woman buying a 1 liter Mountain Dew, cigarettes and some potato chips. Standard fare in the hood, but then she offers the dialogue to the clerk of "this is what I pay my babysitter with, it's all she wants."

As I manually lifted my jaw, and tried to disguise the fact that I just shit myself in amazement, I was instantly inspired to blog about the numerous run ins I have had in the last week with those individuals who should be manually weeded out of society with some form of human Roundup. For those interested in applying to watch my daughter, here are a few things I'm looking for:

1) Someone who drinks Mountain Dew by the liter. It's always good to be hydrated, jacked up and it goes good with Meth.
2) A smoker. Likely if your request cigarettes for pay, your also not old enough to buy them yourself......worry not, babysitter, I got you covered.
3) Potato chips. Nobody can eat just one, and you've eaten 7 million so I'm sure your out diligently working them all off exercising with my child while exposing them to second hand smoke and washing down your victory with toxic green sugar water.

1, 2, 3, your hired.

I was also blessed to spend 9 scenic hours in the Salt Lake City airport this past Sunday. I was acutely aware of the idiots populating the airport as my flight delay caused me to miss the Vikings game, so I was not that happy. I was ready to cut off heads and shit down windpipes.......if you feel my vibe. Here are a few of the friends I did not make at the airport:

1) Fat guy wearing an Oreo sweatshirt and eating a Cinnabon like it was chapstick. Hmmmmm.....wonder if he is a sponsored athlete? How exactly do you get an Oreo sweatshirt?

2) The weird lady walking bout the terminal wearing the neck pillow and talking on the phone. So the neck pillow is a stupid item anyway. If you don't have anything more important to pack on your trip than a neck pillow then it's looking bleak for you. If you do have it, are you wearing it while walking because your so weak you can't hold up your own head? I'm not sure how heavy your head could be because the brain inside is not weighing in too heavy.

3) Short shorts guy. This guy (wearing a tight Ohio State t-shirt) was parading about the airport in running shorts (even though I'm pretty sure he's never run with the 6' 4" beer gut and giant head he'd surely fall over running). He finished the 'perfect outfit' with black calf-high socks and penny loafers. As he attempted to herd his 6 kids (who have no chance of being normal) he carried around a small duffel bag for his carry on that was probably from the set of that 70s show. Wearing the wacko outfit is one thing, but when your flying from Salt Lake (45 degrees) to Michigan (20 degrees) I dare say your under dressed.

4) Loud talker guy. We all now these people, but when your trying to sleep in an airport chair while this guys shouts into his phone, you seriously are doing the math on which orifice the phone would best fit in and how quickly you could get it in there without getting your fingernails dirty.

We don't need to talk about how the Vikings game ended.........I'm still dealing with that.


Katt Maiser said...

Welcome back. Favre was a Trojan Horse sent from 'Sconsin.

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