Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Tales of Poop and Pencil Shavings

There is a learning curve to raising an infant. The learning curve is not the gentle curve, but much more erratic. It's about as smooth as trying to ride a mechanical bull inside a VW beetle. Sweet baby Ella. The photos are so tranquil but there is a behind the scenes. It's a hidden reality that we as the public pretend is not there. For example: Does a super model rip off some giant farts while taking a dump? Probably, but we don't think about that. It's the same with baby.

I can tell you my hands have been thoroughly irrigated by baby urine several times. I hear urine is quite sterile, so in many ways I am cleaner than I have ever been. My diaper dexterity is rapidly improving and Ella is even a little calmer as she seems to sense I have developed some level of competency. Previously her cries were simply expressing the feeling we would have if our doctor showed up in a Skynyrd t-shirt smoking a cigarette for our physical....not a lot of credibility. Baby can see right through the facade of the "World's Greatest Dad" t-shirt and the smell of hand sanitizer.

On one occasion, during a changing, a cute little spout of urine flowed from the baby while her diaper was off. It was kind of funny and she seemed pleased with her accomplishment. The next time however, it involved urine running down her back onto the changing thingy (kind of looks like mini bouldering pad) and also onto me. Not as cute as this time, as I was now changing diaper, clothes, changing pad cover, changing pad cover cover and basically bathing the child with diaper wipes.

Then comes the crapping. Whoa. If I crapped that much I would have to subscribe to a lot more magazines. I have not been hit by any crap, and usually keep it off my hands now which is both rewarding and convenient.

The rewards of being a father are amazing. The baby really just wants mom, so I hold her when she's sleeping mostly. When she wakes and tries to suck on me, she finds little success. It's far more furry and flat than what she is looking for under my shirt. That rapidly progresses to crying which only ceases for a quick diaper bombing or arrival on mom's lap. This keeps momma really busy and pretty much the sole provider of anything important for baby E. In mom's downtime she rests or scribbles out to do lists for me. This leaves me doing anything I can to help around the house and keep the infrastructure going around baby E. Momma has a lot going on and so I get assigned some very rewarding family duties. Just this morning it was imperative that I get all the pencils in the pencil drawer sharpened (at 7am). Later today I may be polishing the toaster or checking the batteries in the smoke detector with my tongue. Everything baby E, or momma, would want to keep the home comfy and warm will be at my beckon call. I am totally fine with this arrangement as it's the least I can do in exchange for the other half having to act as a feeder for the baby like those bottles our hamsters drank out of.

After sharpening the pencils mom teared up a bit with joy. This may be because I did such an immaculate job of sharpening or simply because she is a little emotional, I will let that be her little secret (but I think I am a very good pencil sharpener).

1 comment:

Red Lipstick Lovin' Lady said...

I'm diggin' your blog! I'm a blogger too so I'm always interested in what other bloggers are writing. Congratulations on the new baby and welcome to the great journey of parenthood! One child was nuts, two is insane and to think we are ready to adopt our third just makes me wonder what exactly lies ahead. And what's wrong with a doc who likes Skynyrd? We call Alabama our 2nd home and I've always liked Skynyrd. Even got to see them in concert last summer. You want to see a redneck holler just be in Alabama when the opening chords of "Sweet Home Alabama" resonate through an open field. And "Free Bird" is so much better when done the right way. Oh, and one last thing. Hang on during that emotional roller coaster ride your wife is on. It won't last forever. Congrats!