To 'stache or not to 'stache

As I wrap up a long holiday weekend I find myself admiring the fledgling mustache that I have grown over the past four days, much to the wife's dislike. As I gaze into the bathroom mirror before I shave I can only contemplate the various merits of the 'stache. You have a number of options when growing out the hair on your upper lip, but I am not sure which ones are worthy or appropriate for me.

There is the trooper 'stache that is sleek and creepy and often screams of junior college insecurity in a mighty effort to make one look a little tougher than they are. It screams to the world that I drive a cop car by day and then get into a rusted dodge neon at night to drive home in time to watch "Deal, or no Deal."

The Wilford Brimley 'stache is a full bodied affair and works well to accentuate any walrus characteristics in the face that one might have. These 'stache owners comb them out and are always aware of any food that may have become entangled in their lip nest. They tell the world, "I have diabetes, sell oatmeal and am older than Papa Smurf." Interesting.

My personal favorite is the handlebar 'stache. It is probably most appealing because it would take me, by rough calculations, 13-17 years to grow out. It's cool because it's so awesome that you need product for your 'stache. This mustache is intimidating. It's owner usually has the serious look and you can mess with them, but they may have a six shooter in their pocket.

Finally, there is the premier custom staches, as pictured above. These nifty affairs are mere body hair gamesmanship. They say nothing about the owner except that they have nothing better to do with their time than grow some epic mustache that they can post on the web.

Unfortunately, all of my mustache dreams crashed back to earth when I realized that the only 'stache I can harvest is the lame, thin juinor high 'stache. It says to the world that I am displaying my awesomeness by growing out facial hair because I hit puberty before everyone else. In my case, it really just says; I'm 32 and it looks like I have dirt on my lip after not shaving for 4 days.