Continuing Education

I attended the first day of birth classes in preparation for having a baby girl in February. My theory was that we could surely learn all of this on Youtube or Google but that is without doubt simply my blind faith in trying to not cut into my Monday Night Football schedule. My first impression: Sunday school with vaginas. Our sweet teacher is seriously the church lady with a bunch of weird, contrived and sometimes disturbing props, pictures and stories. Her thin frizzy hair, flower dress and lunch lady shoes will certainly not make anyone start humming the Van Halen tune 'hot for the teacher.' Upon entering the room there was a lovely sign on a tripod that we learned is our mantra for the course. The sign reads: Women are made to give birth, trust in yourself. Seems like a weird mantra for me, but I rolled with it, and will continue to do so for the next 5 weeks! This sign, seriously made me wonder if Michael Scott would come strolling in for some kind of intervention, but I was not so lucky.

Well, the two hours flew by like a root canal in a burning airplane; and after watching a riveting demonstration of a plastic doll shooting out of a knitted sweater sleeve I was really starting to learn. I believe the sweater was the uterus, the cuff was the cervix and doll was the baby. (If you need more detail on any of those terms, your probably not old enough to read this blog.) Of course, this came after she told us about how you don't need any drugs when you give birth and chased that act with a picture of here 9 pound grandson at birth!!! Seriously, I'm not the one giving birth here, but if you asked me to blow a bowling ball out my butthole it's likely going to be a tough sell with out a lot drugs, 128 beers or a louisville slugger to the melon to persuade me on the idea. I just kept reading the mantra......

We then laid on the ground to practice relaxation with the lights off and soft music in the background. We couldn't look at each other because we were going to die laughing which kind of reminded me of my first yoga experience. I was well behaved and didn't cut loose a giant fart, which would have been pretty sweet (see Ryan Broshar), and I could have easily said I was just relaxing my entire body. I restrained myself from raising my hand about 237 times over the course of the class as there were so many opportunities for lighthearted remarks and off color comments. As my wife says, I am just a 5 year old in a 32 year olds body. Good times.

Lake Superior Launch

This weekend we traveled to the shores of Lake Superior in Duluth, Minnesota to celebrate the marriage of our friends Sean and Michelle. They had an awesome ceremony on the shoreline of lake as the sun set on and unbelievable gorgeous summer day. Weddings always have the potential for unpredictable fun and this celebration was certainly no different. After more than one refreshing adult beverage at the reception (aided by the speedy and timely service of our friends Eric and Eric behind the bar) we were ever so graciously carted to our hotel by my pregnant wife.

As the wife and baby headed to bed, the bar staff, Jesse and I hit the town. As we strolled into the nearest bar, after being vigorously carded and banded like an endangered raptor, we were rapidly reminded of our age at the raging Duluth club scene. While this was a nice establishment playing bumping tunes and filled with single underage drinkers, we graciously danced across the floor and out the door we came in. The rest of the night unfolded in a blur of beef sticks, wrestling in the street, the big Eric partially disrobing in a haste to acquire tickets to the New Kids on the Block concert and housing the bartenders on the very small porch of our hotel room.

The next morning we were all a little 'rusty' from the previous evening and Sean ever so graciously vowed to show us the true Duluth experience. So, we swam out into the depths of Lake Superior in Duluth Harbor to jump from the ruins of the ice house in settled in the harbor. The water is deep, and cold. The good news was that the water was warmer than the air temperature at 9 in the morning this particular day, but the bad news was that the water was st still only about 65 degrees at most. So as we got in the water it was strongly recommended by Sean's brother, to 'just go for it.' As myself and the Eric's tiptoed on gigantic, partially submerged slippery rocks we scampered to deep water and flopped graciously into the cold, cold water. As we swam frantically for the ice house it was difficult to catch my breath from the initial shock to the system. As I am shivering and hyperventilating I hand over hand the sketchy nylon strap that was likely tied to the ice house by Leif Erickson. Once on top, we sat shivering for about 5 minutes. Keep in mind, that one of the things I dislike most is jumping into unknown waters (regardless of how deep it is). I guess this is one of those personal phobias of the unknown that we all have about certain things. After a brief period of enjoying the sights and shivering enough to lose my balance on the 8 inch wide ledge, I rose to my feet. As my beautiful, bright white, middle aged, partially hair covered body towered above the harbor, I took my leap in to the icy waters as a good crowd of the wedding guest groggilly spectated our feat. After all, there was definitely no other way down off the ledge. I plunged in sync with the Eric's and we swam quickly to the shore.

It was an amazingly refreshing and exciting activity that I highly recommend. It certainly woke me up, and the company with which it was enjoyed made it all the better. Thanks for the memory Sean! Here is a video of some others jumping from the ice house that I found on youtube:

Of Table Tennis and Huffing

I was highly amused by the following article I came across today as I was attempting to find the end of the internet:
"Table Tennis Tempting Fate"
I will be the first to tell you that I get sucked up in the drama of the Olympics and find myself fascinated by all of the micro-stories that go along with the athletes and events, but this could be a bit much. From the title, table tennis is clearly the next extreme sport. You could easily die instantly from a number of dangerous twists of fate, one apparently being huffing too much glue. It was good that they got a quote from US player, Crystal Xi Huang, who I believe is a native Minnesotan or possibly Iowa, I can't quite tell from the name.

If you want to huff glue, maybe they should think about trying out for the US frisbee golf team or hacky sack squad. This rule could ruin professional table tennis as we know it, so please, be active and write your congressman today.......and be careful if your 'glueing' 10 times a day!

Controversey and Drama in Quest for Tallest Man

It appears that with all of the Olympic drama and the debate over how old Chinese gymnasts are we have forgotten about the all important records of The Guiness Book of World Records. I found this news today: Tallest Man Controversy.

In a rift of high drama, the self-proclaimed world's tallest man refuses to be measured by the officials at Guiness. The giant Ukrainian has chosen to go back to hearding animals and raising vegetables to let Bao (pictured left) reclaim his title. Here are the top 5 things I thoroughly enjoyed about this newsflash:

1. The worlds tallest man saved a dophin with his 3.47 foot arm (my arm is about 2 feet long). Holy dolphin throat!

2. The Ukrainian doesn't want to be measured officially by Guiness. Probably because he is trying to tell people he's 8'.5.5"(likely blaming on the faulty and unreliable conversions from the metric system)!! We all know that there is no quality control on those Ukranian measuring sticks......this smells like a doping controversy to me. It's sad, there just aren't any clean sports anymore.

3. They officiallly measure you "6 times in one day, both standing and lying down." Who writes these rules? I thought you just had your mom measure you against the kitchen wall and send in a photo. So much for getting away with standing on your toes so you look 8 feet tall.

4. The Ukranian doesn't want the "glory" that comes with being the world's tallest man. I guess that pretty much puts the brakes on my planned vacation to the "remote village in central Ukraine" that I was planning next year. Disneyland will just have to do instead. One would think that the remote village in the Ukraine would not become a tourism hotspot just on his accord......give me a break.

5. I also heard from some undisclosed sources close to the incident that at $100 a month plus the mint he's making from selling cucumbers and tomatoes, he probably doesn't need the money. What we all can learn from this is that if you lie about your height, you'll be found no matter where you live.

........rhymes with Cletus?

There is big news in the world of Adventures of Mitch. The biggest adventure of them all, in fact. The Hoffman family has a fetus!

We are expecting our first child in February and are very excited about it all. I find it interesting that the term is used as "expecting" a child. I guess occasionally folks are "expecting" a child and then give birth to a goat, seahorse or antelope? So, we are taking our chances and hoping for a human being on this go around. It's pretty crazy to think about what all will change in February, but I guess that's just life, and the unknowns that make it so exciting. We are both looking forward to the future and are really excited about all things that will be baby around here soon.

It's always interesting to me how everything is good when you are pregnant. Brandi has been sicker than a freshman at a frat party, but everyone says how good and healthy it is to be sick. Of course, in the next sentence they let you know how they were not sick when they were pregok but continue to give you spirited, hang in there champ, advice. I have to be honest, being sick that much would suck and my response to those people would contain more than one expletive. For what it's worth, that's the big news from here.....this blog may soon become the "Adventures of Mitch's Baby." More updates, excitement and news from the nursery to come.

The Need for Speed.........

Yesterday was a big day. I went for my first run since what is now known as "the incident." It was certainly weird getting on the treadmill and jogging the first few minutes, but it ended up feeling pretty good. I did manage to rocket along at a rapid 12:15 mile pace, at top speed. Don't be fooled though, I worked up to this speed slowly shifting through all the gears to get there. As the treadmill started to smoke at this high speed I was glanced over and chatted briefly with the sloth running on the treadmill next to me, he was going faster. From the quick math in my head I would be able to finish a marathon at that pace in about 4 days. I can't remember ever running so slow and feeling like I was going so fast. My friend, the Achilles, is a little sore today, but all in all I will call it a success. I have to do something to get this shrunken calf to grow. I am starting to feel like the kid that starts crying in gym class because he can't do a pull up. If nothing else, it sure feels good to start sweating out some of the invalidity that I have bestowed upon myself since surgery in February. If anyone is looking for a footrace to help boost your self esteem and confidence, you know where to find me. Or, if you great grandmother needs a pacer for her her next round of ultra marathon training, I can do that as well.

Solitude and Paddling

I spent last week in the immense solitude and quiet that can only be found in the over 1 million acres of wilderness known as Minnesota's Boundary Waters Canoe Area Wilderness (BWCA). My friend Justin and I paddled long, hard, fun days through the middle of the BWCA where few people ever paddle. For Justin, it was his first visit to this place I love, and after the trip we had, I highly doubt it will be long before he visits the BWCA again. Some of the amazing experiences that we had could never really be explained in words or photos, but maybe the combination of the two can leave a small impression of how awesome this wilderness area is. (since Justin is a photographer, the images will speak louder than my words) In just four days, we paddled our canoe and gear across 21 lakes, 2 rivers, 2 creeks, and 29 portages totaling 2,033 rods (a rod equals 16.5 feet, roughly the length of a canoe and 320 rods equal a mile) That is over 6.25 miles of carrying our 60 pound canoe and 60+ pound portage bag between lakes. (Editors note: I travel fairly light in the backcountry, unless my paddling partner is Ansel Adams. Two camera bodies, a carbon fiber tripod, 247 AA batteries, and one porn star of a lens made my palms sweat fearing tipping the canoe at any time.)

The BWCA is always a reminder of just how calm and amazing wilderness can still be. Many things change constantly and rapidly in our everyday lives, but places like this are always the same. Life slows to a primitive pace you enjoy everything on a whole different and heightened sensory level. The BWCA is a place that I am always disappointed to leave at the end of my trip. Tired shoulders from paddling, dirty clothes, rain and cold can all be bumps in the road, but the solitude and quiet is extremely hard to leave behind for the business of daily life in the city.

You don't get to wake up, on a normal day, early in the morning and paddle across an absolutely glass lake listeneing to the birds and hearing only the sound of the bow of your boat breaking the calm water. We called this "silent mode." Silent mode was not just for viewing wildlife, it was also for entering a trance like state of wilderness enjoyment. We saw almost no other people on this trip with the exception of the entry lakes on both ends of the trip. What we did get to see was virgin pine, a Bald Eagle snatching a lake trout from the water, moose grazing in the early morning silence and Loons diving, floating and calling in the evening hours. It's absolutely too much to process unless you have been there. Places like this are why I have the love for the wilderness that I do. It is also why you learn to cherish the moments that you have in these wild places each and every time you visit one. I highly recommend that you click on the photo below to view Justin's gallery from our trip.